This is a response to Samantha Brick’s infamous Daily Mail article ‘There are downsides to looking this pretty’: Why women hate me for being beautiful, which created a complete social media storm. 

Dear Samantha,

I was so glad to read your article in the Daily Mail; it made me realise that there are other painfully good-looking people out there. I too have found myself rejected by members of the brotherhood because I am so attractive. I’m no Brad Pitt, but some people have said I am better looking than him.

As soon as I reached college age women began to comment on my looks. “He’s amazing” they would say, “His face is beautiful”. Of course, this made every boy at the college very envious of my looks. Even the male teachers would make me do extra work to punish me for having a chiselled jaw.

When I’m in a bar, all the men glare at me and put their arm around their girlfriend to make sure she remembers she has a boyfriend. Every woman fancies me so these men have to be very protective. Some men will even blindfold their missus if they see me coming to make sure that they are not tempted. At some point, on a night, a man will throw a chair at me in an attempt to ruin my good looks, totally unprovoked.

What I find so difficult on a daily basis is going shopping. I will try to buy my fruit and veg from the local grocers but the lady will never accept payment. I make her day every time I go in there and I am the very reason she wakes up in the morning. Even in high street stores I have young women throwing themselves in front of me at the till, thrusting their debit card into the machine before I can pay for my new jeans! “Why are you paying for me?” I ask. “Because your beautiful smile and face made my day” they respond. Of course, I only asked out of politeness, they always say that.

When eating out, often I will find ten to fifteen bottles of champagne on my table before I have even sat down. I have to make sure none have been corked because this is a tactic used by jealous men to poison me. Have you ever had an assassination attempt against you?

I have never been asked to be a best man for one of my friends. None of them want to be shown up on their wedding day or have their bride-to-be stare at me throughout the ceremony. Many have not even invited me at all. “Stay away from my wedding you prick” they would say; so hurtful. I cannot help the way I look! I’m glad you have had this experience too.  I too cannot wait until aging takes its toll and relieves me of my troublesome perfect face and physique. I have also had a vasectomy so that none of my inevitably gorgeous offspring should have to suffer the life I have.  Have you had a hysterectomy? I imagine so. You understand.

So here’s to you, Samantha, for toiling against the will of the World, for putting up with the burning hatred of society because your face is so much nicer than every other woman’s. No wonder you don’t have any friends, why would anyone want to stand anywhere near you and be cast into the shadow of your gleaming aura of wondrous beauty? And thank you for helping me through this hard time of rejection; sometimes I just want to saw half my face off so people would just stop buying things for me and that my jealous friends would speak to me again.

Yours beautifully,

Samuel Breezeblock